My Thoughts on the Demi/Ashton divorce

I know many people are going to say the marriage between Ashton and Demi didn't work out because of their 15 year age difference but I disagree.  It ended due to infidelity. 

Here is a slideshow of 50 celebrity marriages that were shorter than Ashton and Demi's:

Celebrity Marriages

Demi...and You: Mistakes Cougars Make

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have been all over the news lately because of Ashton's rumored infidelity.  Though a split was considered inevitable, Demi was recently spotted on the red carpet still wearing her wedding ring.  Trouble in Cougar Paradise?

It's not an uncommon problem for Cougars...if you want to keep a 'Cub', you should know the possible pitfalls.  Here are some 'musts to avoid' that can help both you and Demi when dealing with a younger man:

That “know-it-all” attitude:  Just because you’re older, doesn’t mean you know everything.  He’ll know a few things you might not.  You’ll come across as condescending, and that’s never an attractive quality.  Don’t give him advice unless he asks for it, otherwise you will become his mother instead of his lover. 

The “Sugar Mama” trap:  Just because you may make or have more money than him, it doesn’t mean you always have to pay.  He’s still a man, and men instinctually want to provide – it makes them feel good, it makes them feel like men.  Don’t make the finances your sole responsibility, otherwise, you’re setting yourself up to be used.

Underestimating your Cub:  Just because he’s younger, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what time it is.  Younger guys these days are often very savvy – sexually and otherwise.  Stay away from anything referring to your age or his age, such as:  When I was younger; When I was your age, You’re too young to know this.  He knows there’s an age difference, there’s no need to keep reminding him.

Younger women are NOT your competition:   He’s with you because of your age, not despite your age.  You have many things to offer which women his age don’t:  knowledge, wisdom, life experience and no drama.  Acting younger to attract or keep a younger man is a turn off.  He expects you to be more mature and sophisticated.  If he wanted to be with someone younger, he would be.

Ignore those scornful stares:   Even though most of society is still against older women dating much younger men, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.  It means Cubs find you attractive and interesting – and that’s certainly nothing to be ashamed of.  Men have been dating much younger women for years.  It’s time we got rid of the double standard!

How to Catch a Cougar

  

 From the beginning of time, hunters of all kinds had to learn tricks of the trade to capture their prey. These days, that rare and beautiful species, Cougarus humanus, or Cougar is a highly desired catch for many young men, or Cubs. So here are three steps to ensnaring us.

1. Make the Approach

Ironically, the Cougar is easier to approach in person than the younger women you may have hunted in the past. She is receptive to advances because she knows how hard it is for a Cub to risk rejection by putting himself in harm’s way, and she appreciates a man who appreciates her.

Having said that, the Cougar is far from a pushover. She expects a coherent, relevant conversation. “Nice weather we’ve been having,” won’t cut it in the Cougar world, and she’s heard all the cheesy pick-up lines that work on 23-year-olds but here will get you shot down in flames. Instead, try a reasonably intelligent question. If she’s drinking a fancy drink, ask whether it’s safe for a man to drink. If you’re in line at movie, ask what she’s heard about it. Then shut up and let her answer: just like hunting in the wild, it’s important to know when to be quiet!

Online hunting is trickier. Once you’ve tracked down the desired prey, forget one-liners or ‘winks.’ You have to work harder to get the exotic Cougar you crave. Clever, humorous openers are more likely to impress. Even though Cougars are interested in things like “looks” and “sexiness,” they have a large pool of Cubs to choose from, and will weed out those who are immature and classless. Trust me, the reward is well worth it.

2. Set the Trap

OK, you’ve made contact, and it’s time to ask for her number. Yes…Cougars use phones for talking. They’re old school like that. Save the text messages for your pals. You’ll have to actually call your Cougar, make conversation and ask for a date. If you can’t handle this quaint custom, you may not be able to capture your prey.

Online approaches are fine, if that’s where the initial contact was made. But she’ll likely want to hear your voice before agreeing to any in-person meetings, so again, you’ll need to make that call. Don’t be afraid to prepare some notes, in case you freeze when you hear her voice. But don’t worry too much…she may find it cute that you’re so nervous!

The old where-to-go-on-the-first-date question is doubly tricky with Cougars. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to impress her by taking her to the Opera, or to a restaurant you can’t afford. She knows you’re young and might not be established in your career (read: rich), so suggest something you can afford…because you will be paying for that first date. You want a Cougar, not a sugar mama. After a few dates, you can let her kick in, but first you have to show the respect that picking up the bill symbolizes.

3. Complete the Capture

You may have identified, corralled, and confronted your prey, but the capture is still before you. Once you are on the date, she’s interested. So don’t let her slip away with one of these deadly mistakes.

Playing games:  She knows all of them and no longer has the time or patience to play them. If you’re interested, say so. If there’s an issue, talk about it rather than being passive/aggressive or disappearing.

Flaking:  The fastest way to lose a Cougar is by saying you will do something and then not following through. Call when you say you will, show up on time and be stand-up guy. She’s seen enough who aren’t to bail at the first sign of wishy-washy behavior.

Being sexually uninformed:   She’s probably more experienced than you are, so be open to suggestions and trying new things. Get over your macho inclinations in bed…this is a partnership. And please don’t be a minute man. She knows what great sex is and isn’t about to put up with a Speedy Gonzalez. Taking your time will go a long way toward keeping her around your cave. Which should be close to spotless, by the way.

So there you have it, the basics of pulling in that wonderful Cougar. Now be ready for a great new set of experiences. Let go of the tension and pressure you’ve experienced with younger ladies.  There are no daily tests or head games, just fun, pleasure and relaxation. Just don’t get lazy.  There are many more Cubs waiting to take your place, and you can only keep her by always showing you realize how lucky you are.

You’ve entered a world where you are appreciated, loved and wanted.  If you’re smart, it may just be the last hunt of your life.

Cougar Couple for Reality Show

Looking for Cougar/Cub couples to try out for a popular reality show on a major network. Interested couples should be outgoing, adventurous, and attractive with big personalities! Please respond to stevenf418@yahoo.com with names, photos, brief bio and contact info.

Cougars & Cubs for national TV Show

National TV show is looking for Cougars & Cubs who are in conflict with their children or families because they are dating younger/older. THERE IS PAY! Contact me ASAP:  lucia@urbancougar.com

Interview in French Elle

                                                                             

I was recently interviewed in French Elle about being a Cougar expert and my work with Urbancougar.com.  Hope you can read French!  LOL!  You can always use Google translate!  Read it here!

National TV Talk Show looking for Cougar/Cub Couple

A National TV Talk Show in New York city is looking for a Cougar couple.   The show will tape next week - free trip to New York, expenses paid.  Contact me asap for more info: lucia@urbancougar.com

I'm Attracted to Much Older Cougars

Hi Lucia,

I’m 32 and I have a lovely partner who is nearly 40 yet I can’t help but feel attracted to much older ladies ranging from 45 to 60.  Is this normal and do most guys feel the same?  Nicky

Hi Nicky,

Although it may not be the norm, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the age range you're interested in.  Guys who are into older women don’t usually care what the age is.  As long as they’re attracted to them, it doesn’t make a difference.   

As women continue to take care of themselves, more and more ladies in their 50s and 60s will continue to look fantastic.  Although it will probably never be the norm, there will always be guys who will appreciate a vibrant, confident, sexy woman of any age!

You need to ask yourself if it's worth leaving your current partner for an older woman.  Just because you're attracted to women over 45,  I wouldn't suggest you leave unless you're unhappy.  You got together with her for a reason.  However, if you truly feel you can't be happy unless your partner is over 45, then I say go for it, but please think long and hard before you do.  

Spandex Cub?

Hi Lucia,

I recently discovered your site and think it's/you are great! I am a 35 year old male that has gotten into a relationship with a woman who is 48 years old. I was previously seeing someone before that but the relationship fizzled out and I realized I am more turned on by older women.

So my new girlfriend (I guess we can call her that) is very fit and into working out.  When we are just relaxing, usually at her house, she loves to have me wear spandex around her - anything from shiny nylon to liquid leggings. She loves wearing it herself but loves how it looks on me. Being that she takes care of me, I'll do what it takes to make her happy.

I have been always very open to trying anything and making my partner happy.  I figure if she will do things for me I like, I'll return the favor.  I am curious if you can tell me if you think women when they hit a certain age go through a "mid-life crisis" sexually at some point?   Bobby

Hi Bobby,

Does it really matter whether there is a “mid-life crisis” or not?  Besides, I don’t see a crisis here – I see two people who are sexually open-minded enjoying each other.  As long as everything is consensual, enjoy!  

Why Am I Attracted to Older Women?

Hi Lucia,

I'm 25 and I am finding myself more attracted to older women – 32 and up.  Why is that?  Matt

Hi Matt,

Society has programmed guys to think they should only be attracted to nubile 20 something’s, so when they find themselves interested in an older woman (even if she’s only 7 years older), they question themselves.  As women continue to take care of themselves and maintain their looks, there’s no reason why men can’t still find them attractive, just because they are over 30 or 40.

Besides the physical appearance, they have many other desirable personality traits such as confidence, comfortable with their sexuality, life experience, knowing what they want and not being afraid to communicate it.  There is also usually less drama associated with an older woman.  She will not call/text you 10 times a day or want to know where you are every minute. 

The lifestyle is becoming more and more acceptable, so there’s no need to be embarrassed or ashamed.  If you’d like to date older women, go for it!  Welcome to the Cougar Revolution!

I've Always Dated Cougars!

Hi Lucia,

Wow I'd never heard of this website until today - enjoyed exploring it.

I'm a 28 year old guy who has always dated ladies over 40. I would never date anything less.  I have discovered a lot of people are afraid to come out of the closet when they are in these relationships and I would love to encourage people to come out and realize what they are doing is not morally wrong. These relationships can be more successful than any other.

I would love to volunteer with you Lucia to encourage more people to follow their heart but also carry their brain in these relationships.

Let me know if there is a way to volunteer my time.

Clive

Hi Clive,

Thanks for your interest.  I'll definitely keep you in mind!

Is There A Future with a 22 Year Old?

                                                                              

Hi Lucia,

I recently started dating a 22 year old – I’m 42.  I gotta say, he’s so sweet and loving.  At the same time, I wonder what he's doing?  I’m really feeling him and I'm afraid I'm thinking about him or considering him too much. 

I know and understand he deserves a life where he would marry a woman that can give him a family.  We haven’t discussed this but I did tell him "This is what it is, sooner or later, it has to be over.”  He has been distant since then, but we have a cruise scheduled for next month.  How should I be taking this all?   I do feel he cares for me deeply.   Zatima

Hi Zatima,

Yes, guys in their early 20s are sweet and loving, and one of the reasons is because they’re idealistic about love.  You and I both know the chances of this leading to marriage or a long term commitment are slim to none, but he wants to believe that maybe, somehow, it might.  When you told him there was no future, you burst his bubble.  I wouldn’t have recommended that you say that to him, however, you obviously can’t take it back. 

Now you need to do some damage control.  Luckily, you have a cruise planned.  Pick a moment when you are both relaxed and in a great mood – maybe after sex - and say something like, “It feels great to be with you.  I know I said this will be over sooner or later, but you never know what might happen!”  Smile, give him a kiss and never bring the subject up again!

Where Can I Find A Cougar?

Hi Lucia,

I'm a personal trainer in Los Angeles and I've found myself more attracted to much older women because they seem to know what they want and have little or no shame in being who they want to be.  I could go on for days as to why older women are just so much more appealing but I'll spare you.

My problem is that I'm a young, handsome man in very good shape but I am finding it hard to meet older women. How do I go about finding older women that are into young men?  I have no clue what places to go to or even what sites to join. I prefer being able to look someone in the eye and talk with them but I'll take what I can get.  Rick

Hi Rick,

Hmm, let’s see.  A young, handsome, in shape guy in Los Angeles can’t find an older woman?  Somehow, I find that hard to believe, especially since most Cougars work out, so they are right in front of you – at the gym!

You can also try book stores, hotel bars, upscale restaurants and museums.  In terms of sites, I would recommend joining the free community at www.urbancougar.com, where there is also a list of Cougar Dens, as well as a link to the dating site www.thecougarconnection.com

My Cub is Very Shy

Hi Lucia,

I'm 48 and my cub is 22.  We met online and have never met in person. We message each other daily. With men my own age I usually play somewhat aloof and do not accept daily chatter, however this young man is 26 years my junior and admittedly VERY SHY.

How should I treat him?   I don't want to lose him, but don't want to have him taking me for granted.  I also plan on not sleeping with him for 2 months.   What would you advise?

Hi Elle,

He’s 22!  Shy or not, he doesn’t have much life experience, never mind dating experience.  I don’t see this as something that’s going to be a long term thing.  Guys in their early 20s generally just want to have sex.  So, although he should treat you with respect, there’s not a lot you can do to make sure he won’t take you for granted.  In many ways, he’s still a kid.

It’s your choice when you sleep with him, but this is one of the few times when it really doesn’t matter – it’s not likely to change the outcome.  If he doesn’t want to have sex again after the first time, it doesn’t matter how long you waited and vice versa.

Will Cougars Date Teenage Cubs?

Hi Lucia,

Do Cougars ONLY look for 21+ age or will they also go for 18+.  Peter

Hi Peter,

It depends on the Cougar.  Most prefer guys over 21 for two reasons.  The first is so that they will be able to go to bars and clubs with them and the second is because they don’t like the thought of dating a teenager, especially if they have teenage children themselves.

However, there are some who have no problem dating someone who is not yet 21, especially if he is mature for his age.  Only thing you can do is ask!

Thank you!

Hi Lucia,

 

No questions at this time (although the more I date, the more I seem to have-LOL), but I just wanted to take the time to thank you for all you do for we mature singles out here in the dating world today.  I think you provide invaluable advice for and wonderful understanding of both single men and women involved in modern-day dating, especially those coming out of previous long-term relationships for the first time in a while.

I always look forward to reading your frequent new posts and tweets very much. If you ever want my humble male opinion on anything romance-related, I would be glad and honored to offer it to you.  Again, thanks for all you do for Baby-boomer and Gen-X singles everywhere.

Keep up the great work!  Allan

 

 

Hi Allan,

 

Thanks, I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me.  It's nice to know I'm having a positive influence on people's dating lives!

I'm 66 and He's 39

Hi Lucia,

I am 66 and have been with my 39 year old boyfriend for two.  We are more in love now than when we met.  I look very young for my age but regardless I am what I am.  We have great sex and laugh so much. We do not live together and that is because I have been keeping it this way.  

We see with our friends separately because of the age difference.  I have a few friends who are very cool with our relationship but are much older than him too.  We live in such a small town we are talked about and I think most women are just plain jealous. 

We both want more but are a little nervous about how to present this to our families.  I have been slowly meeting his brothers and he has met my sisters but now there are more family members soon to arrive. 

His family doesn’t know how old I am.  They think I am 50 and the mom freaked out because she was worried about grandchildren.   Yasmin

Hi Yasmin,

Ah yes, the problem with the potential mother in law.  Isn’t it funny how, now matter how old someone is, they are still concerned about their partner’s mother?

I would not suggest you reveal your age.  It’s not because there’s anything to be ashamed of, I just don’t think that there’s no need to bring it up.  They are already concerned about an “11” year age difference, so I don’t think they’d be too thrilled to find out it was actually 27.  In either case, it’s really no one’s business.  If anyone asks, you or your boyfriend can remind them it’s not polite to ask about a woman’s age.

As for concern about grandchildren, if your boyfriend’s loves her son, her first priority should be that he is happy and in love with a woman who is good for him.  If all she cares about is grandchildren, then she is only thinking of herself.  Why should he have to sacrifice being with the woman he loves, in order to fulfill her wishes?  Everyone is free to date or marry who they want (well, except for gay people) and to choose whether or not to have children.

Keep in mind you’re not doing anything wrong.  Some family members will accept the situation and some won’t, however that is their business, not yours.  Don’t try to convince anyone of anything they’re not ready to accept.  Just be an inspiration of how two people in love treat each other and you will hopefully eventually win everyone over.

Response: Is It Wrong to Have Sex With a Cougar?

Dear Lucia,

Recently you told a 21 year old man who was having great sex with a 52 year old woman to “do his thing.”  If this were a 52 year old man having "great sex" with a 21 year old girl, would you be as encouraging to "do your thing", or would you castigate the man for being a disgusting old man taking advantage of a girl with severe daddy issues, young enough to be his daughter ?  Be honest.  Peter

Dear Peter,

Older men have been having sex with much younger women for ages.  If a 21 year old girl wants to have sex with a 52 year old man, that's her business, and it's not necessarily because she has "Daddy issues."

I'm Attracted to a 19 Year Old Cub

Dear Lucia,

I recently met a guy at a friend’s party.  He didn't tell me his real age when we first met because he said I wouldn't have given him a second glance. The moment we first laid eyes on each other and started talking we hit it off right away, everything faded and it felt like it was just the two of us.

We saw each other again a week later and that's when he told me he was 19.  I was in shock, I didn't know what to say or do.  I became cold and distant to this person who I thought was good for me.  He didn't act 19, his mind isn't 19.  He's smart, he treats me well, he makes me happy, we're compatible on so many levels and he's warm, kind and sweet.  Am I wrong to date him?  In shock

Dear In shock,

It’s interesting to note that if you were a man, you would probably not be writing in to ask me whether you should be dating a 19 year old girl!  Luckily, the double standard that exists in dating regarding age differences is slowly going away.  I believe in 5-10 years, it will no longer be an issue.

You didn’t tell me your age, but it doesn’t matter.  He treats you well, makes you happy, is warm, kind and sweet and you’re compatible on many levels.  Are you wrong to date him?  You’re wrong not to date him.  Enjoy yourself and don’t be too concerned about whether or not it will last.  

I'm In Love With A Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I am in love with a woman I’ve been dating for a month.  How do I make her fall in love with me?  I am 24 yrs old and she's older, but I don't know how old.  I invited her for lunch but she didn't show.  I also invited her last Sunday and again she didn't show up.  I tried her cell phone but she was not picking up.  I was a bit down because we arranged to meet and she didn't show up.  How do I make her understand I'm in love with her?  Please help me.  Derrick

Dear Derrick,

It’s very hard to convince someone of something that isn’t true.  The truth is that you are not in love with her.  I know it, she knows it and maybe somewhere inside you, you know it.  You make be infatuated and obsessed, but you certainly can’t love someone after only one month.  Love develops as a result of getting to know someone.  You don’t even know how old she is!

Although it’s not right for her to stand you up, the reason she’s doing it is because you’re creeping her out.  She’s doesn’t want to turn you down, so she pretends she’s going to see you and then doesn’t show up.  Even if you haven’t said, “I love you” to her, your actions and attitude are showing her that you are way too into her after only one month.  You’re coming across as desperate and unrealistic and that is never attractive.  We all want to be with someone strong.  Someone who is willing to put up with being continually stood up is not strong.  Are you sure you’re even dating?

If there is to be any hope for you, you need to back off immediately.  Don’t call her for a week.  When you do call, don’t ask her out.  Have a short, pleasant conversation and get off the phone.  You can ask her out the next time you talk.  If she doesn’t show up again, she’s not interested or she’s lost interest in you as a result of your actions.  At that point, all you can do is learn from your mistakes and move on.

                       

Non-confident Cougar

Hi Lucia,

I am 40 years old, dating a guy who is 31 and we are intending to get married. I don’t feel confident most of the time, because younger woman are attracted to him.  How can I gain confidence?  Mary

Hi Mary,

The number one reason guys say they are attracted to older women is confidence, so until you feel confident, do not even think about marrying your younger man, or it will not go well.  Although 9 years may seem like a big age difference to you, these days, it’s not that big!

He is interested in you because you have qualities which younger women don’t – maturity, life experience, no drama, sexual confidence.  He is dating you because of your age, not despite your age.  The fact that the two of you are intending to marry means he wants to be with you, not someone younger.  If he had wanted a younger woman, he would have gotten one. 

No matter who you’re with, at some point, another woman will find him attractive.  That’s just life.  Your job is to find someone who loves you so much that no matter who is attracted to him, he’s always happy to come home to you.

I'm Attracted to my Nephew's Teammate

Hi Lucia,

I am 36 and didn't have a boyfriend until I was 25.   I’ve only had one previous 11 year relationship but it was with a married man who was older.

I have a nephew in college who plays basketball.  I am finding myself attracted to some of his teammates.  I was intimate with one of them but afterwards he didn’t respond to my texts or calls.  I know he is still in the stage where he is curious about life and still enjoys playing around.  He might also be afraid because of our age difference and what people will say if they see us.

I think I'm starting to fall for him.  I feel lost.  I just want to talk or text him as much as I can.  I still want him even though he might just want to play.  I want to spend more intimate moments with him.  I always want to feel the happiness the feeling of being in love brings.

What should I do?  I want to be irresistible to him.  I might be stupidly in love.  Am I over reacting, and expecting too much from him?   Jenny

Hi Jenny,

What you are experiencing is called “limerence”.    It’s a state of intense romantic desire for another person. It’s an obsessional form of romantic love.  It’s characterized by intrusive thinking and excessive sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the “limerent object” towards the individual.

You don’t have a lot of experience with dating, so it’s easy to understand how you may think you are in love.  It doesn’t sound as if he’s interested in you.  It doesn’t really matter if it’s because of his age or the age difference.

The best way to get over him is to start dating.  You have a lot of catching up to do.  Don’t get stuck on anyone who is not as interested in you as you are in him. 

His Ex is a Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I’m 31 years old, married to a 39 year old man for 4 years now. My husband’s previous relationship was with a woman 11 years older than him. She is a very nice lady, beautiful, funny and their relationship lasted for 4 years.  He left her for me 6 years ago

I’m envious that I don’t have the same experiences and the same confidence she has and I think that this is important for my husband.  He is very mature and very logical I’m very emotional and an artistic spirit.

They write to each other every 5-6 months but don’t ever speak on the phone.
A month ago my husband sent her an email that said, "I still think of you everyday".

She never ever writes back anything that seems erotic. I think she only wants his friendship.

Once when we had a fight he wrote to her, "My wife is so immature, she drives me crazy sometimes.”  What does he mean?  Do you think he wants to be with her again or that he is only friends?

I never feel "enough" for him.  There is always something missing and I don’t know what it is.  Sometimes I feel he is still in love with his ex. Other times I’m trying not to be so insecure.  I cry everyday thinking about how to deal with that.

He doesn’t know any of this is happening, he thinks everything is ok. I can’t let my self be happy.  My smile is fake; my heart is broken. Our relationship looks perfect, he seems very happy with me.

I m very confused.  What can I do to win this competition?  I know I may lose the game, but at least I can try, I really love him.  I want his children. But I can’t live under these circumstances with him.

I know it’s crazy that I check his email, but it’s the only way to know what’s going on. I want to stop that - I hate it.  It’s very hard for me because I can’t tell anyone how painful it is to spy in my husband’s email account and read things like that.  Vicky

Dear Vicky,

One of the cornerstones of any relationship, but especially marriage, is trust.  Your husband has not given you any reason not to trust him.  Writing to his ex twice a year is nothing.  This is about you and your insecurities.

I would suggest you speak to a therapist about what is going on.  You are threatened by his ex, and yet, he left her for you!  If he wanted to be with her, he would be.  If, however, you don’t seek help and get a grip on your issues, he may wish he was with her!

Manipulative Cub

Dear Lucia,

I recently met a man who is 10 years younger, very savvy, attentive, full of energy and successful.  He was very up front about being very interested & sincere and asked me out.   I said I had plans that day but would be available another day. After that he couldn’t find the time.

I have known 2 older men who treated me horrendously and had no energy.  I mentioned this to him, as I didn’t want the same thing from him.  There was loads of attraction on both sides, great sizzling emails wanting to do the boyfriend/girlfriend scenario (his idea). 

However, he has recently made a complete turnaround from extremely sizzling to extremely cold-hearted.  When I tried to call to wish him a happy birthday I got a gruff, “I’m in a meeting”.  When I mentioned buying him a fish for his exotic fish tank, I got a foul reaction saying, “You can’t afford it, but I can!”

At first he wanted to take me to dinner but then it was, “You don’t want dinner do you?” as though I’m not good enough.   He also mentioned he was a manipulator which was not what I read.  I was kind, friendly, tried to be compassionate & warm, mentioned I do have good values and like to wait for a good thing.  He said “I’m busy and will be busy for at least 20 months plus”, whereas he seemed to have the time before!  It was difficult to pin point him (switched his phone off).  I can’t get to know someone in a couple of weeks of conversation, which was mainly x- rated.

Do I continually self sabotage since I didn’t say yes straight away?  I was expecting something better from a younger guy with no cynicism and so much life.  I just got the same as the older blokes (which I know I am not suited to).  How can I be so wrong?

I hope you may be able to shed some light on where I have gone wrong, as he seemed completely upfront.  He mentioned he wanted to share himself and his home with someone yet he jumped around by being great one moment and cruel the next.

Am I the perennial sucker!  I am very disillusioned and my self esteem has plummeted to an all time low.  Ann

Hi Ann,

Please pick up your self-esteem.  You didn’t do anything wrong, except not see all the red flags.  I don’t care what this guy said about wanting a relationship and someone to share his home.  Don’t look at what a guy says, look at what he does.  If you had simply looked at his actions, you would not have missed the flags.

The only time you should look at what a guy says is when his conversation is x-rated.  That immediately tells you he’s just looking for sex.  A man who is interested in you is not going to risk offending you by talking like that, especially if he hardly knows you.

This guy is not looking for a relationship – at least not with you.  Forget him!

International Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I've been in a cyber-relationship with a guy who lives in another country for 9 months. We see each other every night through the web cam and I call him or he calls me almost every day. He looks like he's really in love when he says it and his behavior demonstrates what he says.

He wants to marry me and have kids with me. I do too. He's 24 and I'm 32 and he says that he has always liked older women.  I started to feel something very special for him that for a period of time I thought was love, but now I don't feel that way as much.

Somehow we've managed to be apart and not let the relationship get cold because of the distance. I'm not able to go to see him and he's not able to come to the US because he doesn't have a visa.

Sometimes he's kind of possessive and controlling and I've had some confrontations with him about those issues and we've been getting through them.  He's been very cooperative with those matters saying that he would do anything to make this relationship to work.

However, I recently met someone else in a chat room and it's making me think about cheating on my cyber-boyfriend.  He lives in another state but he's overseas most of the time and does not have enough time for relationships.

We became good friends and have a pretty nice connection since we were born in the same city.  I have a blast every time we talk.  We talk often over messenger and sometimes over the phone.

Now he wants to meet me and try to be with me in a serious relationship. I've told him that since he is almost never home that I'm not interested in that kind of relationship. He said that he wants to try with me because he likes me very much and he's been thinking about leaving the job he has now and working on something where he doesn't have to be absent so much.

He seems into me.  He tells me that I'm the kind of woman that he would like to spend his time with and in the future who knows, live together, get married and have kids (he doesn't have any and haven't ever been married).

We made plans to get together in the next month.  I like him a lot, but somehow I don't trust him. I'm afraid he might be lying about his life and that he only wants to have sex with me. We already talked about sex and what we like and don't like. He tells me every time we talk that he wants to be with me and that he'll make it happen.

Should I meet him and see what happens?  If we like each other enough that the chemistry is floating in the air when we meet, should I have sex with him on that first date?   Should I say anything about this to my cyber-boyfriend?

If things work out with this guy, how should I break up with my cyber-boyfriend? I know for sure that he'll be devastated.  Girl Overseas 

Dear Girl,

Wow, you’ll do just about anything not to be in a relationship, won’t you?  You’re fooling yourself if you think you’re interested in either one of these guys.   You don’t know anything about them except what they choose to tell you.  Until you meet someone face to face, you don’t know who you’re dealing with.

If you do meet the 2^nd guy, DO NOT have sex with him the first time, no matter how much chemistry there is.  Your intuition is telling you not to trust him and you should listen.  You only know him from what he’s told you.  Always look at what a man does, not what he says.  If a guy just wants to have sex, he will say anything!

As for your “cyber-boyfriend”, if you really need that much attention, you can continue to talk to him, but don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s going to go anywhere.

If you’re really interested in a relationship, you need to find someone in or near your zip code.

I Want to be a Boy-Toy

Hi Lucia,

I’m 19 and still a virgin.  I can be shy at first, but I get over it after a while. I would love to find myself a Cougar and be her boy-toy.  How can I get the attention of older women?  Boy-toy

Hi Boy-toy,

I would suggest joining an online dating sites.  I would recommend www.dateacougar.com.  Don’t be afraid to put in your profile that you are “inexperienced” and looking for someone to “show you the ropes”.  Some women actually prefer that!

Cougar Co-Worker

Dear Lucia,

I'm 21 years old.  I've recently fallen for an older woman I work with, she's 38.   I find it so hard because I can't be myself around her.  I let myself fall knowing that it would be a mistake.

She has a boyfriend who lives overseas which makes things so difficult.  I just need tips on how to get over her.  I can’t stop thinking about her and it's really driving me nuts!  T.J.

Hi T.J.

Well, this is a fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into young man!  Just kidding!

Since you work together, it’s going to be difficult to avoid her, but try to stay away from her as much as you can.  Only interact with her if you absolutely have to.

As for constantly thinking about her, that will be more difficult to deal with.  She’s currently residing in your head.  Whenever you find yourself thinking about her (I know, it’s probably every 5 minutes), think of something you don’t like – a food, place, whatever.  Eventually there will be a negative association when she comes to mind, and you will begin to think about her less and less.

Cougar Dating Sites

Hi Lucia,

I am 19 years old and seem not to have an emotional connection with anyone in my age range.  For a long time I have been attracted to older women.  I hate the drama of my generation.  It seems to me that women in my age range are losing their want for independent thought. I like strong minded, mature, and beautiful women with out the drama.  I think that is why I have always been attracted to older women.  Is it possible to find an older woman who is interested in someone my age or should I just give up?    Jim

Hi Jim,

Your email confirms that young, adult males are definitely interested in older women for more than just sex.  Some people still find that hard to believe.  You are obviously wise beyond your years, if at 19, you feel the need to be with someone more mature. 

I would suggest an internet dating sites that specializes in Cougar relationships such as www.dateacougar.com

Are Cougars Insecure?

Hi Lucia,

I love dating or seeing older women. I love the way they handle themselves and look. 21 year olds are fun but get old. An active, older woman who likes to go out and can turn heads with a great cocktail dress and heels is the most attractive thing I can think of.

I’d like to know why older women always ask why I like them and how come I am not "into" younger girls.  Are all older women this insecure about this?  Brian

Hi Brian,

Luckily, not all older women are insecure about the age factor.  Most know that they are the total package and have more to offer than younger women, because they’ve had more time to get their act together.

You may be meeting women who are recently divorced and back on the dating scene or who have always dated older men.  The concept of a guy preferring an older woman is still quite new to a lot of people.

Tell them the same things you’ve told me and that should help appease their concerns.

My Cougar Disappeared

Dear Lucia,

About three months ago I began dating an older woman who happens to be 35 years old.  I am 25.  We've been on a couple of dates since then and have been getting on just great, but in the past month I have not heard from her at all. 

I'm guessing it might just be my insecurities, but I feel that I may have been given the flick!  I've tried getting in contact with via email and by phone but alas to no avail. I've really fallen for this woman.  Ossie

Dear Ossie,

I’m glad you wrote to me, because it proves that older women are not always the ones who are chasing younger men.  More often than not, it’s the other way around!

I don’t have enough information to make an educated guess as to what may have happened.  However, I do know that continuing to try to get in touch with her is just going to make matters worse.

You need to leave her alone.  If she wants to get back in touch, she will. If you really were getting along great, at some point, she will pop up again.

Response to: Should I Date This 19 Year Old?

Lucia,

I can't believe your advice to Nancy. She has to be 40ish and she's dating her 17 year old daughter's friends!  Her older daughter hit the nail on the head.  She is pathetic and embarrassing and can't find guys her own age that want anything to do with her.

I would have asked her why she can't find men in her appropriate age range. She says they have "a lot in common" which certainly shows her level of maturity. But since you see yourself as some type of "cougar" I guess you feel that your advice is warranted as it justifies your lifestyle. 

Maybe Nancy can find a 19 year old for you as well, you should ask her. I should start asking my teenage niece to set me up with her friends as I'm in awesome shape and only 50, if it's all about what makes me feel good, right? I'm sure we'd have lots to talk about. I'm picturing a 19 year old boy on a date, holding hands with someone his mom's age.

The scenario is ridiculous, as well as it would be for me to be on a date with a teenager. I have to wonder what his issues are when he would date someone that old instead of a hottie his own age, but we've all heard of the Oedipus Complex.

Grow up, Nancy. You have two daughters and need to be their role model, not competing for their dates.  R.B.

Dear R.B.,

When people talk about finding love, they use the word soul mate, not age mate.  This is because what we are all seeking is a deep connection on a soul level, and a soul is ageless and timeless.  It doesn’t depend on chronological age.

Antiquated, narrow minded, outdated, unenlightened, useless, irrelevant, non-progressive and judgmental 20^th century thinking such as yours is one of the main reasons older women who are still young at heart and have a child-like spirit, seek the company of younger men.

My motto has always been, “Live and let live”.  I believe you may find life a bit easier if you were to adopt the same attitude.

Should I Date this 19 Year Old?

Hi Lucia,

I have 2 daughters - one 20 and one 17.   I will be going on a date with a 19 year old. The guy I have a date with is good friends with my 17 year old’s ex boyfriend.  

She is very judgmental and not happy about this.  I don't want to hurt her but this guy is very nice, fun, and we have a lot in common.  My daughter is being over dramatic.  I am trying to make her realize we are going on a date, not getting married. She said I am pathetic and embarrassing and that I go out with young guys because I can't get anybody my own age and I do it to make myself feel good.

Well duh, what girl wouldn't go out with someone else to make yourself feel good?  I see nothing wrong with it.  Any advice?  Nancy

Hi Nancy,

You’ve certainly hit the nail on the head. The main reason for doing anything in life, especially choose to date certain people, is because we feel good around them.

Remember that you’re the parent here and you can date whoever you want.  Tell her you’re sorry she’s not happy about it however it’s your decision.  I would not bring him to the house for a while, since it may be awkward.  If you continue to date him for any length of time, she may eventually be more accepting of the situation, and at that point you can “bring him home”.

When Is An Age Gap Too Big?

Dear Lucia,

I’m dating a man who is five years younger than me and not settled in his life yet. He is definitely the pursuer in this relationship – calling me, setting up dates and even surprising me with events for us to go to.  I’m 38 and he is 32 although we don’t look much different in age. Should I stop seeing him because of the age difference?  When does an age gap become too big?  Suzie

Dear Suzie,

You said you don’t look much different in age. This tells me he is probably your first younger man, otherwise, you wouldn’t be so concerned about what you look like together. As long as he treats you well and you have great chemistry, who cares what you look like as a couple?  Your friends will know what the age difference is, so the only people you’re concerned about are strangers. You can’t live your life trying to look good in the eyes of people you’ll probably never see again.  Besides, they’re probably jealous!

Secondly, you mentioned that he is 32 and not yet settled.  These days, a lot of 32-year-olds aren’t settled – male or female. You have to ask yourself some questions: When do I want to be married by?  Do I want to have children?  When?  Is he motivated and working toward security and stability or is he still into behaving as if he were in college? What are his long-term goals?  What are your long-term goals?   If you want to be married within the next 2 years, then you need to ask yourself if he could possibly be "The One."  If not, are you willing to simply stay and enjoy the moment knowing that eventually you’ll have to move on?  Not every relationship has to lead to marriage.

Finally, when does an age gap become too big? Well, six years is not that much of an age difference and will become even less so as you get older. It’s not about age. It’s about compatibility.

In the end, to have a great relationship you need to have two people who appreciate each other and feel lucky to be together, no matter what the age difference may be.  To quote the late Aaliyah, "Age ain’t nothin’ but a number."