Cougar or Sugar Mama?

                                                                             

Hi Lucia,

What is the difference between a Cougar and a Sugar Mama?  Blake

Read the answer at The Cougar Club

Will Dating Cougars Mess Me Up?

Hello Lucia,

I’m a 20 year old male who’s in a great sexual relationship with a very sexy and gorgeous 40 year old woman. We're not boyfriend/girlfriend but just hanging out.  Do you think this will mess me up later on when I move past her, if we don’t create a real, full relationship?  I don’t want to have a hard time adjusting down the road with someone closer to my age.  Joe

Read the answer at The Cougar Club

Bitten by the "Cougar Bug"

Hi Lucia,

I met a flight attendant last year.  We only spent an evening together, but she left a lasting impression on me.  I am 21 and she was seventeen years older.  Since then I have not been able to get over the difference between her and the other women I have dated.  I've decided to only date older women from now on, at least for a while. I've just had it with those silly college girls. 

My question: where do I start?  The oldest women in my circle of friends are maybe three to six years older than me. I want to meet more in their thirties and forties.  Martin

Read the answer at The Cougar Club

Is It Wrong To Have Sex With a Cougar?

 

Hey Lucia,

My friends think I’m crazy because I’m 21 years old and I’ve been having GREAT sex with a 52 year old divorced woman.  We both know it’s just for sex.  Is this wrong?  Joe

Read the answer at The Cougar Club

Is this Cub Using Me?

Dear Lucia,

I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months.   I am 40 and he is 30.  According to him, he is only dating me.  We have never had the "talk" yet we joke around about not being boyfriend and girlfriend.

Normally we talk 1-2x a day, text each other between 5-15x a day and see each other 2-3x a week.

I know that his ex girlfriend broke up with him 5 months ago.  He recently told me that he was dating a woman in her 40s when he met his ex, who is also 30.  He said he broke up with the older woman when he began to fall in love with his ex.

I didn't ask him for how long exactly he was dating his ex before he knew that he was falling in love.  He told me that the older woman went nuts on him and hacked into his email, wrote emails to his ex and other crazy stuff.

He sounded like he just didn’t understand why the older woman went crazy on him since he, "Never told her that he loved her.”  He said that they had a good time and had fun together.

He loves to come over to my house, he loves to spend the night (if it was up to him, I even think he would move in) and he loves my expensive car. I am now wondering if I am the new older woman until he meets someone to fall in love with.

On our dates he takes me out for dinner and to the movies, but because of our schedules, 70% of the time he comes over later at night, usually between 9-11pm.    We have had a few whole day dates, hiking and biking, but that can still just be considered "having fun".

How can I know if he comes over to my house to see me because he likes me and not just because he has 4 roommates and sleeps on the sofa but I on the other hand have a nice 2 bedroom house?

How can I make sure that he is not just killing time until he finds that new "girlfriend"?  My worst fear is that I get used.  Amy

Read the answer at The Cougar Club

Broken Cougar Engagement

Dear Lucia,

I was in a year and a half relationship with a younger guy.  It just recently ended, and I think it was mostly due to my worrying about our age difference.  I continued to have so many doubts even after he would continue to reassure me that my age didn't matter.  

We were going to be engaged and I sabotaged that as well.  I felt we weren’t accepted socially, which was, I now realize, ridiculous.

I am really hurting but I wanted to tell my story and give women the confidence that I didn't have, so that they don't lose their relationship for the same reasons or end things before they have a chance to begin.  Lori

Dear Lori,

I’m sorry to hear that you are in so much pain, because it could have been avoided.  Older women/younger men relationships are not yet accepted by most people, but that’s no reason to avoid them.  If someone has a problem with this type of relationship, it’s their problem, not the couple’s problem.

I’ve made it my mission to make the “Cougar” lifestyle more socially acceptable so that people don’t have to feel embarrassed or ashamed because they are attracted to someone who is much older/younger.

As more and more people jump on the bandwagon, it will not be as taboo as it is today.  I believe in 5-10 years, these relationships will no longer be such a big deal. 

I'm Attracted to my Aunt!

Hi Lucia,

I am 24 years old and I am in love with a woman who is 42.  The thing is, she’s my aunt.  We have a very close friendship and I have fallen in love with her.  I don’t think she knows that.  I am afraid to tell her how I feel.  I can be myself when I am with her and she is so grown up.

I see her every weekend.  I make her a special dinner and we watch a movie.  She phones me sometimes during the week and says things like, “I can’t wait for this weekend.” or “Are you coming this weekend?  I miss you.”

I really want to take this relationship further.  I have my own place but I can just as well move in with her.  Must I stop seeing her?  Is this all wrong because she’s my aunt?  J.

Read Lucia's answer at The Cougar Club

I'm Hiding My Cougar From My Parents

          

Hi Lucia,

I’m 24 and I've been dating a woman who is twice my age for about twelve months.  Thus far, my parents don't know about her though they are aware I am seeing someone.  They have continued to ask if they could at least see a picture of her but I have always refused.

Recently, my parents have become more adamant to see who I'm dating and it's been evolving into a more contentious issue.  Would you recommend me showing my parents a photo which could possibly alter our close relationship, or should I continue to be vague and secretive.  Mike

Read Lucia's answer at The Cougar Club
 

I'm a Virgin Cub

                                                                                    

Dear Lucia,

I'm a nineteen year old male from England, and for the past year or so I've found myself becoming increasingly attracted to older women. At first I just counted them among the many girls I found attractive and didn't think much more of it, as all young men do, but over time I found myself appreciating their beauty and maturity more and more, and now I feel like it may be time to finally take the plunge and begin dating them.

However, one thing that keeps coming back to me is the idea of cougars as being very sexual beings who want lots of fun and enjoyment in bed. As I am still a virgin, since I prefer to think of sex as something meaningful between two people who care very much for one another rather than as part of a random fling, some part of me feels that I may disappoint them there due to my lack of experience. While that makes me feel a little hesitant about getting involved with an older woman, I also know that I feel more attracted to them than many of the girls my own age. Do you have any advice for me?  Sam

Read Lucia's answer at The Cougar Club

10 Reasons to Date a Cougar

What makes older women so attractive to younger men?

Confidence – She knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to let you know.  She means what she says and says what she means.  She won’t freak out if she doesn’t hear from you for a few days. 

Sex – She doesn’t get as emotionally attached as younger women do if she’s having sex with you.  She has a high sex drive.  She’s comfortable with her body.  She knows what she’s doing.  She will rock your world.

Money – She doesn’t need yours!  She doesn’t care how much you make.  She doesn’t care what your earning potential is.  She doesn’t expect you to pay for everything.

No Drama - She won’t call/text you 20 times a day.  She won’t have a temper tantrum or cry easily.  She won’t ask:  Why didn’t you call?  Where were you?  Where is this going?

Life Experience – She’s been around (in a good way) and is socially and sexually savvy.  You will become a man and a better lover as a result of being with her.

See the other 5 at The Cougar Club

Interracial Cougar

Hi Lucia,

I am 37 and African-American.  I typically date Caucasian women 5-15yrs older than me.  My conventional wisdom creeps into my head that many older, white women have no experience with interracial dating and this could be a major roadblock to both dating and a strong relationship   I live in the Twin Cities and this is the most diverse city and accepting of interracial relationships that I have seen.

What advice can you give me on how to attract those quality cougars that are open to dating inter racially?   There are a lot of wannabe cougars but clearly they are not in the league of those true cougars.  Many women think because they are older and look decent and date younger that makes them cougars, which it doesn't.

I consider myself a charming, witty, beguiling, confident man but need a few pointers to get me to the next level.  Tony

Read Lucia's answer at The Cougar Club

My Cub Wants us to Move in Together

                                                                                

Hi Lucia,

I'm 59, attractive and look 10-15 younger than my years. I was not looking to become a cougar, but a man 22 years younger than me pursued me until I could no longer resist him. Now, six months into our courtship, he wants us to move in together and start building a lasting relationship.

  

We do not depend on each other financially.  We share a real emotional bond and have a wonderful, highly charged intimate life. He is not only a take charge, Alpha male, but he is very handsome and has a great following of young women who would love to be with him. He however, says that in his 37 years, he has not found with anyone else what he has found in me. He already has a child and is adamant that he does not want anymore.

I've never heard of a relationship like ours.   Although we no longer even discuss our chronological difference, I can't help but wonder if a long term relationship is really possible, or if we are destined to be just a fling.

What do you think?  Lucky Lioness

Read Lucia's answer at The Cougar Club

A Cub Wants to Marry Me

                                                                                 

Hi Lucia,

I dated a much younger guy a couple of times about a year ago.   I was attracted to him, our dates went well, but I viewed him as a partying type.

Since our last date, he called me about four times to touch base.  He was having financial problems and had moved out of town.  Recently, he contacted me again after having moved back here.

During this call, he told me he missed me, had been thinking about me for a long time, loved me and wanted to marry me.   I told him that he had not really called me that much over the last year for me to believe that missed me.  He said he had been moving around to get financially on track and he would start calling me again.

The last few days, he has been calling, but it still feels strange.  He talks about making a life with someone, being lonely, not wanting an uncaring or flighty type, and feeling like he wasted the last ten years of his life partying and spending money.   

I’m single and would like to have the right guy.   I don’t want to date anyone who is insincere about me.  It's been a long journey to get to this point and I can pretty much see the guys coming who want the ruby instead of the diamond.  Should I continue to talk to this guy if I suspect this is what is going on?  I am feeling a little cautious about the whole thing.  Cautious

Read Lucia's answer at The Cougar Club

My Cub is 23 Years Younger!

Dear Lucia,

I met a young man 23 years younger than myself online playing a game.  We ended up falling for each other 3 months into the game and then 3 months later we met each other. 

We had so much in common even with the age difference.  It was a long distance relationship but we fell in love.  We were together for a year after we met, and then we both started feeling strange about the way people would look at us when we held hands or hugged. 

After a few months, we decided it would be best to just be friends, and it has been so difficult.  I love him so much; want to be with him all the time and I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

Is this normal?  I was married for 25 years and never ever had the type of relationship with my ex that I had and still have with my friend.  We laugh, cry, tell each other things that no one else ever knew.  Can we still keep this relationship alive without the love making and still have the love exist?  We both think we can, but others tell us we are just kidding ourselves.  Cel

Read Lucia's answer at The Cougar Club

I'm 19 and my Cougar is 41

Dear Lucia,

I am 19 years old and am currently in a physical relationship with a woman who is 41 years old. We  go out to eat and spend time together every now and then, but I find myself interested in wanting a more serious relationship.

I understand that plenty of people think the age difference is too large but for someone my age, I have a lot going. I currently work two jobs and attend a very prestigious college. I am earning about 40k a year. It may be enough to get me through school and put away for savings but not quite support her. She is struggling with expenses and had been laid off.

We are great friends, have a lot in common, and just love being around each other. I will be starting a fairly good job with Chase Manhattan Bank at the end of this year and will be able to provide for her financially, so finances won't be an issue.

How I go about telling her?  What do you think I should say or do?  If everything works out with her, how do I go about explaining this to my family?  I want to be sure they accept her and treat her well. Any advice or assistance you could give me would be greatly appreciated.  Michael

Read Lucia's answer at The Cougar Club

How to Catch a Cougar

  

 From the beginning of time, hunters of all kinds had to learn tricks of the trade to capture their prey. These days, that rare and beautiful species, Cougarus humanus, or Cougar is a highly desired catch for many young men, or Cubs. So here are three steps to ensnaring us.

1. Make the Approach

Ironically, the Cougar is easier to approach in person than the younger women you may have hunted in the past. She is receptive to advances because she knows how hard it is for a Cub to risk rejection by putting himself in harm’s way, and she appreciates a man who appreciates her.

Having said that, the Cougar is far from a pushover. She expects a coherent, relevant conversation. “Nice weather we’ve been having,” won’t cut it in the Cougar world, and she’s heard all the cheesy pick-up lines that work on 23-year-olds but here will get you shot down in flames. Instead, try a reasonably intelligent question. If she’s drinking a fancy drink, ask whether it’s safe for a man to drink. If you’re in line at movie, ask what she’s heard about it. Then shut up and let her answer: just like hunting in the wild, it’s important to know when to be quiet!

Online hunting is trickier. Once you’ve tracked down the desired prey, forget one-liners or ‘winks.’ You have to work harder to get the exotic Cougar you crave. Clever, humorous openers are more likely to impress. Even though Cougars are interested in things like “looks” and “sexiness,” they have a large pool of Cubs to choose from, and will weed out those who are immature and classless. Trust me, the reward is well worth it.

2. Set the Trap

OK, you’ve made contact, and it’s time to ask for her number. Yes…Cougars use phones for talking. They’re old school like that. Save the text messages for your pals. You’ll have to actually call your Cougar, make conversation and ask for a date. If you can’t handle this quaint custom, you may not be able to capture your prey.

Online approaches are fine, if that’s where the initial contact was made. But she’ll likely want to hear your voice before agreeing to any in-person meetings, so again, you’ll need to make that call. Don’t be afraid to prepare some notes, in case you freeze when you hear her voice. But don’t worry too much…she may find it cute that you’re so nervous!

The old where-to-go-on-the-first-date question is doubly tricky with Cougars. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to impress her by taking her to the Opera, or to a restaurant you can’t afford. She knows you’re young and might not be established in your career (read: rich), so suggest something you can afford…because you will be paying for that first date. You want a Cougar, not a sugar mama. After a few dates, you can let her kick in, but first you have to show the respect that picking up the bill symbolizes.

3. Complete the Capture

You may have identified, corralled, and confronted your prey, but the capture is still before you. Once you are on the date, she’s interested. So don’t let her slip away with one of these deadly mistakes.

Playing games:  She knows all of them and no longer has the time or patience to play them. If you’re interested, say so. If there’s an issue, talk about it rather than being passive/aggressive or disappearing.

Flaking:  The fastest way to lose a Cougar is by saying you will do something and then not following through. Call when you say you will, show up on time and be stand-up guy. She’s seen enough who aren’t to bail at the first sign of wishy-washy behavior.

Being sexually uninformed:   She’s probably more experienced than you are, so be open to suggestions and trying new things. Get over your macho inclinations in bed…this is a partnership. And please don’t be a minute man. She knows what great sex is and isn’t about to put up with a Speedy Gonzalez. Taking your time will go a long way toward keeping her around your cave. Which should be close to spotless, by the way.

So there you have it, the basics of pulling in that wonderful Cougar. Now be ready for a great new set of experiences. Let go of the tension and pressure you’ve experienced with younger ladies.  There are no daily tests or head games, just fun, pleasure and relaxation. Just don’t get lazy.  There are many more Cubs waiting to take your place, and you can only keep her by always showing you realize how lucky you are.

You’ve entered a world where you are appreciated, loved and wanted.  If you’re smart, it may just be the last hunt of your life.

I'm In Love With A Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I am in love with a woman I’ve been dating for a month.  How do I make her fall in love with me?  I am 24 yrs old and she's older, but I don't know how old.  I invited her for lunch but she didn't show.  I also invited her last Sunday and again she didn't show up.  I tried her cell phone but she was not picking up.  I was a bit down because we arranged to meet and she didn't show up.  How do I make her understand I'm in love with her?  Please help me.  Derrick

Dear Derrick,

It’s very hard to convince someone of something that isn’t true.  The truth is that you are not in love with her.  I know it, she knows it and maybe somewhere inside you, you know it.  You make be infatuated and obsessed, but you certainly can’t love someone after only one month.  Love develops as a result of getting to know someone.  You don’t even know how old she is!

Although it’s not right for her to stand you up, the reason she’s doing it is because you’re creeping her out.  She’s doesn’t want to turn you down, so she pretends she’s going to see you and then doesn’t show up.  Even if you haven’t said, “I love you” to her, your actions and attitude are showing her that you are way too into her after only one month.  You’re coming across as desperate and unrealistic and that is never attractive.  We all want to be with someone strong.  Someone who is willing to put up with being continually stood up is not strong.  Are you sure you’re even dating?

If there is to be any hope for you, you need to back off immediately.  Don’t call her for a week.  When you do call, don’t ask her out.  Have a short, pleasant conversation and get off the phone.  You can ask her out the next time you talk.  If she doesn’t show up again, she’s not interested or she’s lost interest in you as a result of your actions.  At that point, all you can do is learn from your mistakes and move on.

                       

His Ex is a Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I’m 31 years old, married to a 39 year old man for 4 years now. My husband’s previous relationship was with a woman 11 years older than him. She is a very nice lady, beautiful, funny and their relationship lasted for 4 years.  He left her for me 6 years ago

I’m envious that I don’t have the same experiences and the same confidence she has and I think that this is important for my husband.  He is very mature and very logical I’m very emotional and an artistic spirit.

They write to each other every 5-6 months but don’t ever speak on the phone.
A month ago my husband sent her an email that said, "I still think of you everyday".

She never ever writes back anything that seems erotic. I think she only wants his friendship.

Once when we had a fight he wrote to her, "My wife is so immature, she drives me crazy sometimes.”  What does he mean?  Do you think he wants to be with her again or that he is only friends?

I never feel "enough" for him.  There is always something missing and I don’t know what it is.  Sometimes I feel he is still in love with his ex. Other times I’m trying not to be so insecure.  I cry everyday thinking about how to deal with that.

He doesn’t know any of this is happening, he thinks everything is ok. I can’t let my self be happy.  My smile is fake; my heart is broken. Our relationship looks perfect, he seems very happy with me.

I m very confused.  What can I do to win this competition?  I know I may lose the game, but at least I can try, I really love him.  I want his children. But I can’t live under these circumstances with him.

I know it’s crazy that I check his email, but it’s the only way to know what’s going on. I want to stop that - I hate it.  It’s very hard for me because I can’t tell anyone how painful it is to spy in my husband’s email account and read things like that.  Vicky

Dear Vicky,

One of the cornerstones of any relationship, but especially marriage, is trust.  Your husband has not given you any reason not to trust him.  Writing to his ex twice a year is nothing.  This is about you and your insecurities.

I would suggest you speak to a therapist about what is going on.  You are threatened by his ex, and yet, he left her for you!  If he wanted to be with her, he would be.  If, however, you don’t seek help and get a grip on your issues, he may wish he was with her!

Cougar Co-Worker

Dear Lucia,

I'm 21 years old.  I've recently fallen for an older woman I work with, she's 38.   I find it so hard because I can't be myself around her.  I let myself fall knowing that it would be a mistake.

She has a boyfriend who lives overseas which makes things so difficult.  I just need tips on how to get over her.  I can’t stop thinking about her and it's really driving me nuts!  T.J.

Hi T.J.

Well, this is a fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into young man!  Just kidding!

Since you work together, it’s going to be difficult to avoid her, but try to stay away from her as much as you can.  Only interact with her if you absolutely have to.

As for constantly thinking about her, that will be more difficult to deal with.  She’s currently residing in your head.  Whenever you find yourself thinking about her (I know, it’s probably every 5 minutes), think of something you don’t like – a food, place, whatever.  Eventually there will be a negative association when she comes to mind, and you will begin to think about her less and less.

Are Cougars Insecure?

Hi Lucia,

I love dating or seeing older women. I love the way they handle themselves and look. 21 year olds are fun but get old. An active, older woman who likes to go out and can turn heads with a great cocktail dress and heels is the most attractive thing I can think of.

I’d like to know why older women always ask why I like them and how come I am not "into" younger girls.  Are all older women this insecure about this?  Brian

Hi Brian,

Luckily, not all older women are insecure about the age factor.  Most know that they are the total package and have more to offer than younger women, because they’ve had more time to get their act together.

You may be meeting women who are recently divorced and back on the dating scene or who have always dated older men.  The concept of a guy preferring an older woman is still quite new to a lot of people.

Tell them the same things you’ve told me and that should help appease their concerns.