Non-confident Cougar

Hi Lucia,

I am 40 years old, dating a guy who is 31 and we are intending to get married. I don’t feel confident most of the time, because younger woman are attracted to him.  How can I gain confidence?  Mary

Hi Mary,

The number one reason guys say they are attracted to older women is confidence, so until you feel confident, do not even think about marrying your younger man, or it will not go well.  Although 9 years may seem like a big age difference to you, these days, it’s not that big!

He is interested in you because you have qualities which younger women don’t – maturity, life experience, no drama, sexual confidence.  He is dating you because of your age, not despite your age.  The fact that the two of you are intending to marry means he wants to be with you, not someone younger.  If he had wanted a younger woman, he would have gotten one. 

No matter who you’re with, at some point, another woman will find him attractive.  That’s just life.  Your job is to find someone who loves you so much that no matter who is attracted to him, he’s always happy to come home to you.

I'm Attracted to my Nephew's Teammate

Hi Lucia,

I am 36 and didn't have a boyfriend until I was 25.   I’ve only had one previous 11 year relationship but it was with a married man who was older.

I have a nephew in college who plays basketball.  I am finding myself attracted to some of his teammates.  I was intimate with one of them but afterwards he didn’t respond to my texts or calls.  I know he is still in the stage where he is curious about life and still enjoys playing around.  He might also be afraid because of our age difference and what people will say if they see us.

I think I'm starting to fall for him.  I feel lost.  I just want to talk or text him as much as I can.  I still want him even though he might just want to play.  I want to spend more intimate moments with him.  I always want to feel the happiness the feeling of being in love brings.

What should I do?  I want to be irresistible to him.  I might be stupidly in love.  Am I over reacting, and expecting too much from him?   Jenny

Hi Jenny,

What you are experiencing is called “limerence”.    It’s a state of intense romantic desire for another person. It’s an obsessional form of romantic love.  It’s characterized by intrusive thinking and excessive sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the “limerent object” towards the individual.

You don’t have a lot of experience with dating, so it’s easy to understand how you may think you are in love.  It doesn’t sound as if he’s interested in you.  It doesn’t really matter if it’s because of his age or the age difference.

The best way to get over him is to start dating.  You have a lot of catching up to do.  Don’t get stuck on anyone who is not as interested in you as you are in him. 

His Ex is a Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I’m 31 years old, married to a 39 year old man for 4 years now. My husband’s previous relationship was with a woman 11 years older than him. She is a very nice lady, beautiful, funny and their relationship lasted for 4 years.  He left her for me 6 years ago

I’m envious that I don’t have the same experiences and the same confidence she has and I think that this is important for my husband.  He is very mature and very logical I’m very emotional and an artistic spirit.

They write to each other every 5-6 months but don’t ever speak on the phone.
A month ago my husband sent her an email that said, "I still think of you everyday".

She never ever writes back anything that seems erotic. I think she only wants his friendship.

Once when we had a fight he wrote to her, "My wife is so immature, she drives me crazy sometimes.”  What does he mean?  Do you think he wants to be with her again or that he is only friends?

I never feel "enough" for him.  There is always something missing and I don’t know what it is.  Sometimes I feel he is still in love with his ex. Other times I’m trying not to be so insecure.  I cry everyday thinking about how to deal with that.

He doesn’t know any of this is happening, he thinks everything is ok. I can’t let my self be happy.  My smile is fake; my heart is broken. Our relationship looks perfect, he seems very happy with me.

I m very confused.  What can I do to win this competition?  I know I may lose the game, but at least I can try, I really love him.  I want his children. But I can’t live under these circumstances with him.

I know it’s crazy that I check his email, but it’s the only way to know what’s going on. I want to stop that - I hate it.  It’s very hard for me because I can’t tell anyone how painful it is to spy in my husband’s email account and read things like that.  Vicky

Dear Vicky,

One of the cornerstones of any relationship, but especially marriage, is trust.  Your husband has not given you any reason not to trust him.  Writing to his ex twice a year is nothing.  This is about you and your insecurities.

I would suggest you speak to a therapist about what is going on.  You are threatened by his ex, and yet, he left her for you!  If he wanted to be with her, he would be.  If, however, you don’t seek help and get a grip on your issues, he may wish he was with her!

Manipulative Cub

Dear Lucia,

I recently met a man who is 10 years younger, very savvy, attentive, full of energy and successful.  He was very up front about being very interested & sincere and asked me out.   I said I had plans that day but would be available another day. After that he couldn’t find the time.

I have known 2 older men who treated me horrendously and had no energy.  I mentioned this to him, as I didn’t want the same thing from him.  There was loads of attraction on both sides, great sizzling emails wanting to do the boyfriend/girlfriend scenario (his idea). 

However, he has recently made a complete turnaround from extremely sizzling to extremely cold-hearted.  When I tried to call to wish him a happy birthday I got a gruff, “I’m in a meeting”.  When I mentioned buying him a fish for his exotic fish tank, I got a foul reaction saying, “You can’t afford it, but I can!”

At first he wanted to take me to dinner but then it was, “You don’t want dinner do you?” as though I’m not good enough.   He also mentioned he was a manipulator which was not what I read.  I was kind, friendly, tried to be compassionate & warm, mentioned I do have good values and like to wait for a good thing.  He said “I’m busy and will be busy for at least 20 months plus”, whereas he seemed to have the time before!  It was difficult to pin point him (switched his phone off).  I can’t get to know someone in a couple of weeks of conversation, which was mainly x- rated.

Do I continually self sabotage since I didn’t say yes straight away?  I was expecting something better from a younger guy with no cynicism and so much life.  I just got the same as the older blokes (which I know I am not suited to).  How can I be so wrong?

I hope you may be able to shed some light on where I have gone wrong, as he seemed completely upfront.  He mentioned he wanted to share himself and his home with someone yet he jumped around by being great one moment and cruel the next.

Am I the perennial sucker!  I am very disillusioned and my self esteem has plummeted to an all time low.  Ann

Hi Ann,

Please pick up your self-esteem.  You didn’t do anything wrong, except not see all the red flags.  I don’t care what this guy said about wanting a relationship and someone to share his home.  Don’t look at what a guy says, look at what he does.  If you had simply looked at his actions, you would not have missed the flags.

The only time you should look at what a guy says is when his conversation is x-rated.  That immediately tells you he’s just looking for sex.  A man who is interested in you is not going to risk offending you by talking like that, especially if he hardly knows you.

This guy is not looking for a relationship – at least not with you.  Forget him!

International Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I've been in a cyber-relationship with a guy who lives in another country for 9 months. We see each other every night through the web cam and I call him or he calls me almost every day. He looks like he's really in love when he says it and his behavior demonstrates what he says.

He wants to marry me and have kids with me. I do too. He's 24 and I'm 32 and he says that he has always liked older women.  I started to feel something very special for him that for a period of time I thought was love, but now I don't feel that way as much.

Somehow we've managed to be apart and not let the relationship get cold because of the distance. I'm not able to go to see him and he's not able to come to the US because he doesn't have a visa.

Sometimes he's kind of possessive and controlling and I've had some confrontations with him about those issues and we've been getting through them.  He's been very cooperative with those matters saying that he would do anything to make this relationship to work.

However, I recently met someone else in a chat room and it's making me think about cheating on my cyber-boyfriend.  He lives in another state but he's overseas most of the time and does not have enough time for relationships.

We became good friends and have a pretty nice connection since we were born in the same city.  I have a blast every time we talk.  We talk often over messenger and sometimes over the phone.

Now he wants to meet me and try to be with me in a serious relationship. I've told him that since he is almost never home that I'm not interested in that kind of relationship. He said that he wants to try with me because he likes me very much and he's been thinking about leaving the job he has now and working on something where he doesn't have to be absent so much.

He seems into me.  He tells me that I'm the kind of woman that he would like to spend his time with and in the future who knows, live together, get married and have kids (he doesn't have any and haven't ever been married).

We made plans to get together in the next month.  I like him a lot, but somehow I don't trust him. I'm afraid he might be lying about his life and that he only wants to have sex with me. We already talked about sex and what we like and don't like. He tells me every time we talk that he wants to be with me and that he'll make it happen.

Should I meet him and see what happens?  If we like each other enough that the chemistry is floating in the air when we meet, should I have sex with him on that first date?   Should I say anything about this to my cyber-boyfriend?

If things work out with this guy, how should I break up with my cyber-boyfriend? I know for sure that he'll be devastated.  Girl Overseas 

Dear Girl,

Wow, you’ll do just about anything not to be in a relationship, won’t you?  You’re fooling yourself if you think you’re interested in either one of these guys.   You don’t know anything about them except what they choose to tell you.  Until you meet someone face to face, you don’t know who you’re dealing with.

If you do meet the 2^nd guy, DO NOT have sex with him the first time, no matter how much chemistry there is.  Your intuition is telling you not to trust him and you should listen.  You only know him from what he’s told you.  Always look at what a man does, not what he says.  If a guy just wants to have sex, he will say anything!

As for your “cyber-boyfriend”, if you really need that much attention, you can continue to talk to him, but don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s going to go anywhere.

If you’re really interested in a relationship, you need to find someone in or near your zip code.

I Want to be a Boy-Toy

Hi Lucia,

I’m 19 and still a virgin.  I can be shy at first, but I get over it after a while. I would love to find myself a Cougar and be her boy-toy.  How can I get the attention of older women?  Boy-toy

Hi Boy-toy,

I would suggest joining an online dating sites.  I would recommend www.dateacougar.com.  Don’t be afraid to put in your profile that you are “inexperienced” and looking for someone to “show you the ropes”.  Some women actually prefer that!

Cougar Co-Worker

Dear Lucia,

I'm 21 years old.  I've recently fallen for an older woman I work with, she's 38.   I find it so hard because I can't be myself around her.  I let myself fall knowing that it would be a mistake.

She has a boyfriend who lives overseas which makes things so difficult.  I just need tips on how to get over her.  I can’t stop thinking about her and it's really driving me nuts!  T.J.

Hi T.J.

Well, this is a fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into young man!  Just kidding!

Since you work together, it’s going to be difficult to avoid her, but try to stay away from her as much as you can.  Only interact with her if you absolutely have to.

As for constantly thinking about her, that will be more difficult to deal with.  She’s currently residing in your head.  Whenever you find yourself thinking about her (I know, it’s probably every 5 minutes), think of something you don’t like – a food, place, whatever.  Eventually there will be a negative association when she comes to mind, and you will begin to think about her less and less.

Cougar Dating Sites

Hi Lucia,

I am 19 years old and seem not to have an emotional connection with anyone in my age range.  For a long time I have been attracted to older women.  I hate the drama of my generation.  It seems to me that women in my age range are losing their want for independent thought. I like strong minded, mature, and beautiful women with out the drama.  I think that is why I have always been attracted to older women.  Is it possible to find an older woman who is interested in someone my age or should I just give up?    Jim

Hi Jim,

Your email confirms that young, adult males are definitely interested in older women for more than just sex.  Some people still find that hard to believe.  You are obviously wise beyond your years, if at 19, you feel the need to be with someone more mature. 

I would suggest an internet dating sites that specializes in Cougar relationships such as www.dateacougar.com

Are Cougars Insecure?

Hi Lucia,

I love dating or seeing older women. I love the way they handle themselves and look. 21 year olds are fun but get old. An active, older woman who likes to go out and can turn heads with a great cocktail dress and heels is the most attractive thing I can think of.

I’d like to know why older women always ask why I like them and how come I am not "into" younger girls.  Are all older women this insecure about this?  Brian

Hi Brian,

Luckily, not all older women are insecure about the age factor.  Most know that they are the total package and have more to offer than younger women, because they’ve had more time to get their act together.

You may be meeting women who are recently divorced and back on the dating scene or who have always dated older men.  The concept of a guy preferring an older woman is still quite new to a lot of people.

Tell them the same things you’ve told me and that should help appease their concerns.

My Cougar Disappeared

Dear Lucia,

About three months ago I began dating an older woman who happens to be 35 years old.  I am 25.  We've been on a couple of dates since then and have been getting on just great, but in the past month I have not heard from her at all. 

I'm guessing it might just be my insecurities, but I feel that I may have been given the flick!  I've tried getting in contact with via email and by phone but alas to no avail. I've really fallen for this woman.  Ossie

Dear Ossie,

I’m glad you wrote to me, because it proves that older women are not always the ones who are chasing younger men.  More often than not, it’s the other way around!

I don’t have enough information to make an educated guess as to what may have happened.  However, I do know that continuing to try to get in touch with her is just going to make matters worse.

You need to leave her alone.  If she wants to get back in touch, she will. If you really were getting along great, at some point, she will pop up again.