Response to: Should I Date This 19 Year Old?

Lucia,

I can't believe your advice to Nancy. She has to be 40ish and she's dating her 17 year old daughter's friends!  Her older daughter hit the nail on the head.  She is pathetic and embarrassing and can't find guys her own age that want anything to do with her.

I would have asked her why she can't find men in her appropriate age range. She says they have "a lot in common" which certainly shows her level of maturity. But since you see yourself as some type of "cougar" I guess you feel that your advice is warranted as it justifies your lifestyle. 

Maybe Nancy can find a 19 year old for you as well, you should ask her. I should start asking my teenage niece to set me up with her friends as I'm in awesome shape and only 50, if it's all about what makes me feel good, right? I'm sure we'd have lots to talk about. I'm picturing a 19 year old boy on a date, holding hands with someone his mom's age.

The scenario is ridiculous, as well as it would be for me to be on a date with a teenager. I have to wonder what his issues are when he would date someone that old instead of a hottie his own age, but we've all heard of the Oedipus Complex.

Grow up, Nancy. You have two daughters and need to be their role model, not competing for their dates.  R.B.

Dear R.B.,

When people talk about finding love, they use the word soul mate, not age mate.  This is because what we are all seeking is a deep connection on a soul level, and a soul is ageless and timeless.  It doesn’t depend on chronological age.

Antiquated, narrow minded, outdated, unenlightened, useless, irrelevant, non-progressive and judgmental 20^th century thinking such as yours is one of the main reasons older women who are still young at heart and have a child-like spirit, seek the company of younger men.

My motto has always been, “Live and let live”.  I believe you may find life a bit easier if you were to adopt the same attitude.

Should I Date this 19 Year Old?

Hi Lucia,

I have 2 daughters - one 20 and one 17.   I will be going on a date with a 19 year old. The guy I have a date with is good friends with my 17 year old’s ex boyfriend.  

She is very judgmental and not happy about this.  I don't want to hurt her but this guy is very nice, fun, and we have a lot in common.  My daughter is being over dramatic.  I am trying to make her realize we are going on a date, not getting married. She said I am pathetic and embarrassing and that I go out with young guys because I can't get anybody my own age and I do it to make myself feel good.

Well duh, what girl wouldn't go out with someone else to make yourself feel good?  I see nothing wrong with it.  Any advice?  Nancy

Hi Nancy,

You’ve certainly hit the nail on the head. The main reason for doing anything in life, especially choose to date certain people, is because we feel good around them.

Remember that you’re the parent here and you can date whoever you want.  Tell her you’re sorry she’s not happy about it however it’s your decision.  I would not bring him to the house for a while, since it may be awkward.  If you continue to date him for any length of time, she may eventually be more accepting of the situation, and at that point you can “bring him home”.

When Is An Age Gap Too Big?

Dear Lucia,

I’m dating a man who is five years younger than me and not settled in his life yet. He is definitely the pursuer in this relationship – calling me, setting up dates and even surprising me with events for us to go to.  I’m 38 and he is 32 although we don’t look much different in age. Should I stop seeing him because of the age difference?  When does an age gap become too big?  Suzie

Dear Suzie,

You said you don’t look much different in age. This tells me he is probably your first younger man, otherwise, you wouldn’t be so concerned about what you look like together. As long as he treats you well and you have great chemistry, who cares what you look like as a couple?  Your friends will know what the age difference is, so the only people you’re concerned about are strangers. You can’t live your life trying to look good in the eyes of people you’ll probably never see again.  Besides, they’re probably jealous!

Secondly, you mentioned that he is 32 and not yet settled.  These days, a lot of 32-year-olds aren’t settled – male or female. You have to ask yourself some questions: When do I want to be married by?  Do I want to have children?  When?  Is he motivated and working toward security and stability or is he still into behaving as if he were in college? What are his long-term goals?  What are your long-term goals?   If you want to be married within the next 2 years, then you need to ask yourself if he could possibly be "The One."  If not, are you willing to simply stay and enjoy the moment knowing that eventually you’ll have to move on?  Not every relationship has to lead to marriage.

Finally, when does an age gap become too big? Well, six years is not that much of an age difference and will become even less so as you get older. It’s not about age. It’s about compatibility.

In the end, to have a great relationship you need to have two people who appreciate each other and feel lucky to be together, no matter what the age difference may be.  To quote the late Aaliyah, "Age ain’t nothin’ but a number."