My Cougar Doesn't Want to Marry Me!

Hi Lucia,

I'm 20 and my partner is 34.   Recently she said she wants to get married at some point.   She is always evasive or changes the subject when I bring up specifically her marrying me, as opposed to just generally wanting to get married. This makes me think that she is just having fun with me and doesn't plan to actually marry me at some future time. 

She has said that she won't like me a bit more for trying to act older but I'm worried she needs someone who's not a kid to her and will ultimately go for someone more her peer. 

Am I just imagining it?  Ryan

Read the answer at The Cougar Club

Just a "feeling" or love?

             

Hi Lucia,

I've just met another much younger guy (16yrs) and we've both fallen for each other. I want to settle down but I don't think I have found the right guy. I can't seem to be interested in guys my age or older than me.

I had an earlier relationship with another guy 25 years younger and he still wants to continue the relationship. I've kept away from him because he is too young, even though I still have feelings for him.

I want a man to settle down with and my honest feeling is he should NOT be much younger and at the same time he must be matured. I can't see myself with an older guy.

I want to know the difference between a "feeling" and "love". Chi Chi

Read Lucia's answer at The Cougar Club

Is There A Future with a 22 Year Old?

                                                                              

Hi Lucia,

I recently started dating a 22 year old – I’m 42.  I gotta say, he’s so sweet and loving.  At the same time, I wonder what he's doing?  I’m really feeling him and I'm afraid I'm thinking about him or considering him too much. 

I know and understand he deserves a life where he would marry a woman that can give him a family.  We haven’t discussed this but I did tell him "This is what it is, sooner or later, it has to be over.”  He has been distant since then, but we have a cruise scheduled for next month.  How should I be taking this all?   I do feel he cares for me deeply.   Zatima

Hi Zatima,

Yes, guys in their early 20s are sweet and loving, and one of the reasons is because they’re idealistic about love.  You and I both know the chances of this leading to marriage or a long term commitment are slim to none, but he wants to believe that maybe, somehow, it might.  When you told him there was no future, you burst his bubble.  I wouldn’t have recommended that you say that to him, however, you obviously can’t take it back. 

Now you need to do some damage control.  Luckily, you have a cruise planned.  Pick a moment when you are both relaxed and in a great mood – maybe after sex - and say something like, “It feels great to be with you.  I know I said this will be over sooner or later, but you never know what might happen!”  Smile, give him a kiss and never bring the subject up again!

His Ex is a Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I’m 31 years old, married to a 39 year old man for 4 years now. My husband’s previous relationship was with a woman 11 years older than him. She is a very nice lady, beautiful, funny and their relationship lasted for 4 years.  He left her for me 6 years ago

I’m envious that I don’t have the same experiences and the same confidence she has and I think that this is important for my husband.  He is very mature and very logical I’m very emotional and an artistic spirit.

They write to each other every 5-6 months but don’t ever speak on the phone.
A month ago my husband sent her an email that said, "I still think of you everyday".

She never ever writes back anything that seems erotic. I think she only wants his friendship.

Once when we had a fight he wrote to her, "My wife is so immature, she drives me crazy sometimes.”  What does he mean?  Do you think he wants to be with her again or that he is only friends?

I never feel "enough" for him.  There is always something missing and I don’t know what it is.  Sometimes I feel he is still in love with his ex. Other times I’m trying not to be so insecure.  I cry everyday thinking about how to deal with that.

He doesn’t know any of this is happening, he thinks everything is ok. I can’t let my self be happy.  My smile is fake; my heart is broken. Our relationship looks perfect, he seems very happy with me.

I m very confused.  What can I do to win this competition?  I know I may lose the game, but at least I can try, I really love him.  I want his children. But I can’t live under these circumstances with him.

I know it’s crazy that I check his email, but it’s the only way to know what’s going on. I want to stop that - I hate it.  It’s very hard for me because I can’t tell anyone how painful it is to spy in my husband’s email account and read things like that.  Vicky

Dear Vicky,

One of the cornerstones of any relationship, but especially marriage, is trust.  Your husband has not given you any reason not to trust him.  Writing to his ex twice a year is nothing.  This is about you and your insecurities.

I would suggest you speak to a therapist about what is going on.  You are threatened by his ex, and yet, he left her for you!  If he wanted to be with her, he would be.  If, however, you don’t seek help and get a grip on your issues, he may wish he was with her!